What is Gaslighting?

Sometimes someone says something to you, but then acts as if they never said it at all. Sometimes you describe an event you experienced, but you are told, “that didn't happen.” And after a while, you start to ask yourself the question: “Am I remembering this wrong?”

This is exactly where the situation described in psychology as “gaslighting” occurs.

Gaslighting is when a person systematically makes someone else question their own perception, memory, and emotions. The goal is to weaken the other person's confidence in their own reality. This process often progresses slowly and unnoticed, rather than in an open and clear way.

It begins with sentences that seem small. A statement is denied, an event is minimized or distorted. Phrases like “You’re remembering it wrong,” “You’re exaggerating,” or “You’re being dramatic” start to repeat over time.

At first, the person may not pay much attention to this situation. However, over time, a change occurs in their mind. They start to become unsure of their own feelings, question their reactions, and eventually stop trusting their own perception. This is the most dangerous aspect of gaslighting: the person becoming alienated from their own inner world.

After a while, the person begins to struggle not only with the other party but with their own mind as well. Thoughts such as “Did I misunderstand?” or “Maybe I really am exaggerating” become more frequent. And with time, instead of defending their experiences, the person feels compelled to explain themselves. The most destructive point is this: the person can no longer believe in themselves, let alone the other person.

Gaslighting does not always happen through shouting or in an overt manner. Often, a calm and even seemingly logical tone is used. This makes the situation more confusing because there is no obvious attack, yet the person continues to feel bad.

One of the most challenging aspects of this is that it is not always noticeable from the outside. The relationship may seem normal or even good to others. This causes the individual to question their experiences even more.

Over time, the person begins to suppress their own emotions. They hesitate to react, filter themselves before speaking, and constantly try to correct themselves to “avoid being misunderstood.” And without realizing it, they begin to lose themselves within the relationship.

In this process, the person enters a cognitive cycle where they constantly question their own thoughts. The source of the problem is shifted from the outside to the inside. The individual starts asking “Why am I feeling this way?” instead of “What is being done to me?”

At this point, the important question to ask is:

“Is my self-confidence growing or diminishing in this relationship?”

If you have started to doubt yourself over time in a relationship, struggle to express your feelings, and constantly feel the need to explain yourself, you need to stop and take a fresh look.

Because in a healthy relationship, a person does not drift away from themselves. On the contrary, they grow closer to who they are.

Gaslighting is not an isolated argument or a communication problem. It is a process that forms over time and damages an individual’s sense of self. And most of the time, the greatest harm is caused by the loss of the person's self-confidence.

If you constantly feel wrong, exaggerated, or inadequate, this is not just about being sensitive. This may have to do with the dynamics of the relationship you are in. Because sometimes the problem isn't what you are feeling, but what you are being made to feel.

And the most important point is this:

What you are experiencing may be real.

And it is understandable.

If your self-confidence is declining in a relationship, this is an important sign that should not be ignored. When looked at from the right perspective, this cycle can be understood and changed.

Clinical Psychologist Dilara Gonce

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